In the last 2 years, I came to accept the fact that two of my long time friends are no longer my friends because we just don’t understand each other any more. Based on what you’ve said here, that may not be the reason, and I now need to look at what the reasons are. I’m starting to see that the reasons have much more to do with me than them. This may simply bring more peace into my own life and may not reconcile friendships with them but that’s much better than holding resentments! This allows me to love them anyway regardless of any other particular outcome.

I too, just wanted to be seen. I too, just wanted for them to stop and understand what was going on in my life because I thought I was doing this for them. Maybe I wasn’t. -They were both people who always felt they had to give me “feedback” about how I needed to do this or that to change me, but were also angered by my attempts at telling them I wasn’t going to put up with it anymore.

We still may never speak again, but as long as I can come to terms with how I can better be in relationship with the people who are still in my life, I will have learned a valuable lesson.

Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts because I obviously need to listen.

For years I allowed myself to be what they expected and now that I’m pursuing a more authentic path, I feel like I’m battling just to be who I am. It’s been a recipe for disaster and drama in my relationships. You’ve given me a lot to process, and I just wanted to say thank you.

Stepped back and thought about what you said for a couple of days.

I guess the reason I thought that love without understanding wasn’t love was that I so often have an idealized vision of what love should be like. My relationship with my mother is very painful at times. She’s said some very hurtful things to me over the years, sometimes out of carelessness and sometimes out of genuine intent to wound and manipulate. Even though I’m a people pleaser and a conflict avoider, I’m not completely innocent here. When pushed I can and do dish out the hurt right back. I guess I don’t want to believe that love can, at times, be toxic, selfish, and destructive. I guess love is only as healthy as the people who give it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t love.

Again thanks for writing these posts. Very clear headed way of dealing with what can be a prickly, emotional topic.

I like it here here and be back regularly!

((HUGS))

The first thing I’d point out is that I said it’s better to understand than to be understood. You don’t have to demand that people understand you in return.

But I don’t think I’m projecting anything on my children for instance, when I admit there are things I don’t understand about them. When I first held them in my arms, they were complete mysteries to me, but I loved them.

Love is also being concerned for someone’s welfare, and that’s one of the reasons our family members can act a little crazy when they don’t understand us. They’re afraid we’re going to be hurt. We just can’t afford to live our lives according to their fears.

If you think that anyone who doesn’t understand you really doesn’t love you, just ask yourself this. Who’s going to be there when you’re ill? Who would sacrifice time, money, and even flesh for you if necessary?

I bet you good money my friend’s father, the one she said she realized didn’t have to understand her to love her, would give his life for her if need be.

And I’d also bet you good money there are lot of people in her life who “get her” but who would never give half as much.