How to Be Authentic with People Who Love You but Don’t Understand You – Part 4

Imagine stumbling upon a bird with a broken wing. You watch as it attempts to take flight but remains grounded. It moves in sad circles, one wing flapping, the other dangling at its side. Now, imagine someone standing over the bird and shouting, “Get up, bird. Come on. You can do it. Fly!”

The startled bird attempts to move away.

The person, this time more agitated, approaches the bird again. “Come on, you stupid bird. Don’t you know how to fly? Fly! Fly! Fly!” You can see the bird would give anything to do just that, to spread its wings and fly as far away as possible from this crazed person.

“Fly! Fly! Fly!” they scream, “Fly! Fly! Fly!”

“Excuse me,” you say, “That bird can’t fly. Its wing is broken.”

The person turns to you and says with a choked whisper, “But I want it to fly.”

Today, in Part 4 of How to Be Authentic with People Who Love You but Don’t Understand You, I’d like to suggest there are times in our lives when we are that person, demanding that our families fly for us when they simply can’t, when no amount of anger or anguish we throw at them will ever overcome their broken wings.

And this is why we simply have to:

Stop Asking People to Give Us What They Don’t Have to Give

We want our family to support us, but they might not know how. We wish they were excited, but they may be too afraid. We want them to be whole, but maybe they’re just broken. We want them to understand, but maybe we’ve forgotten all the things we had to encounter in order to understand ourselves.

If you’re waiting for your family to give you something before you move ahead, you may never move because they simply might not have it to give. Stop waiting.

Stop waiting for green lights when the traffic signals are broken. They’re just traffic signals; they’re not the laws of physics. They’re helpful, but not absolutely essential. You can still look both ways and move ahead as soon as things are clear.

Stop waiting for permission and approval. They’re just opinions; they’re not commandments etched in stone. They would be helpful, but they’re not absolutely essential. You can still look within and move ahead as soon as you see your path.

Love your family with all your might, but stop waiting for them to give you what they simply can’t provide. They’re your family; they’re not your only hope. Their support would be lovely, but it’s not absolutely essential. You can look elsewhere and move ahead as soon as you find the strength.

Consider Where You Once Were

I’ve become a firm believer that people do what they know. I would have loved to set out years ago on the path I’m on today, but when I look back at the young man that once was me, I remember what it was like to live inside his head. I remember how confused he was. I remember how he struggled. I remember how hard it was to decide where to turn, what to do, who to be. And I remember that he was doing the best he could based on what he understood and what he thought to be true at the time.

When I remember I feel sympathetic. In my mind, I envision myself traveling back in time to tell him what I’ve learned. I can hear myself telling him what mistakes to avoid, what jobs to pass over, what moves to make.

“Forget status.” I’d whisper in his ear, “It’s crap.”

“Believe what your heart is telling you.” I’d say.

Or I’d try, “Trust me. They’re all full of shit. ”

Maybe you have a few messages you’d like to deliver to your own younger you.

But you can’t go back and it’s just as well. Whoever you are today you became by traveling through the years between then and now. You’ve learned a few things, but the you of yesterday wouldn’t have a clue what you’re talking about. You simply have to live through it.

Consider Where They’re at Now

It’s not a matter of age. It’s a matter of experience. Two people may live within the same span of time but have completely different journeys. They’ll stumble across different questions. They’ll encounter different people. One idea will find its way inside one person’s head while a completely opposite idea will burrow its way inside another.

It doesn’t matter if you’re sixteen or sixty-five. If you haven’t had the lesson, you haven’t gained the knowledge.

If you think you’ve found a better way, consider yourself fortunate. If you think you’ve found some courage, cherish it and be grateful. But understand that some people, including those who love you, may still be looking, while others, sad though it may be, have given up the search.

The best that you can do is shine a flashlight. The worst that you can do is beat them with it.

If you want to light the way, be the light; don’t wait for it.

Release Your Grip

Imagine that you’re holding your family in your hands. Understand that every minute you spend in anger and anguish over something they’re not giving you, it’s as if you’re wringing them like a wet towel trying to squeeze out drops of water. Maybe they’re just dry.

Let go.

Stand up.

Look for water elsewhere.

Make Phone Calls. Send Letters. Pay Visits.

If you wished to relocate, would you wait until everyone in your family pulled up stakes and moved in with you?

If you wished to take a trip, would you forgo your plans until everyone who loved you bought a ticket and tagged along?

No. You’d make phone calls. You’d send letters. You’d visit when you could.

A creative journey is no different. You give them a kiss and set out. Then you send them a postcard.

Having a lovely time. Wish you were here. I’ll be home to visit soon. I love you.

They don’t have to go everywhere you go. They don’t even have to have any interest in the places you’re going. But you still have to go, and you know you have to go. So go. Just remember to to make phone calls, send letters, pay visits.

Forgive Me for Repeating Myself

What I’ve tried to do here is say the same thing in a few different ways. Stop asking your family for what they don’t have and do what you need to do anyway. In the end, an authentic life is something you can only really give yourself. Spread your wings and learn to fly. It’s far, far better than screaming at a bird with a broken wing.

Thanks again to everyone who’s been stopping by to read this series and share their thoughts. Tomorrow, I’ll be posting the last in the series of principles for How to Be Authentic with People Who Love You but Don’t Understand You. In this final piece, I’ll talk about how why you need to stop robbing people of the opportunity to grow.

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Tagged as: Be Authentic