Are you stuck? If so, how did you get there? What are you stuck on?
Maybe you’re not really stuck. Maybe you just think so.
These are the odd thoughts you’ll have as you follow Anneli Rufs on a tour of stuckitude in her book, Stuck: Why We Can’t (or Won’t) Move On.
Rufus doesn’t offer a ten-step solution or a batch of exercises to help you come unglued. Instead, she shines a flashlight on the problem and lets us decide what we’re going to do. I like that.
She rants, she laments, she confesses and analyzes. She fires shots at the nonsense we feed ourselves. You may disagree, you may get angry, but you won’t deny her naked honesty.
One Foot Stuck in the Past, One Foot Stuck in the Present
For instance, you know people get stuck in the past, but do they get stuck in the present? Rufus thinks so. Live in the moment, the gurus tell us, but can we get stuck in the moment?
Impulse, the instant fix, magical thinking: these are the perils of the present. Everything should be a snap, right? We want change, but give us the microwave version. No time for the slow cook method of practice, application, and patience.
In a way, we get stuck on easy. Give me simple and make it fast.
Stuck on the Things We Keep Sticking To
Rufus looks at habits and puts the squeeze on us again. She yanks the rug out from under the notion that addictions are incurable diseases, that we’re hapless victims forever branded with an addict’s tattoo on our soul.
With a writer’s flashlight, she illuminates the one thing we’ve forgotten – choice.
We could choose, but we’d rather not and avoid the hardships.
We’re the flood survivor sitting on a rooftop and rejecting the offer of a canoe ride to safety. It looks rickety and uncomfortable and, besides, we’re waiting on a miracle. It should be here any moment.
From education’s failed experiments in instant self-esteem (Just add unearned praise and lowered expectations.) to advertising’s constant message that we should have the best of everything and wait for nothing, Rufus aims her sights on our addiction enabling culture.
Stuck in an Awful Experience
She won’t even allow us the comfort of a hard won tragedy. What have we left if not our traumas?
But, as she points out, there’s a sticky little reality we have to face.
Two people can go into a trauma and come back out with entirely different perspectives. One’s paralysis is another’s catalyst.
Some go into hiding, others go on a mission. And some just move on while others stay behind staring at their trauma and poking it with a stick.
Sticky Relationships
My favorite chapter is her one about being stuck on people. She does more than discuss how we get stuck to the wrong people; she shows us how we tell ourselves we are when we really aren’t, when we actually have it pretty good.
I guess this meant a lot to me, because I used to feel stuck in my marriage. Today, I realize how damned lucky I’ve always been. But, as Rufus notes, we come by such notions honestly.
In a brilliant stroke, she describes how both Capitalism and Communism depend on us being dissatisfied. It’s hard to sell goods and services to the thoroughly contented and even harder to recruit them for a revolution. Apparently, happy families don’t often take to the streets to overspend and overthrow.
Take This Job and Stick It
Last but not least, Rufus takes a look at the most common complaint of all: that we’re stuck in a job. But we’re never really stuck. We’re just afraid of leaving or unwilling to do the inner work required to change how we approach our outer work.
No Easy Answers: Many Challenging Questions
Arnelli Rufus offers no easy answers, but raises lots of questions. I like questions. They always help me get unstuck, even when I don’t expect the answers, even when I never find them.
If you like to ponder, this is a good book to ponder over. Check it out. Stuck: Why We Can’t (or Won’t) Move On
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for this review. I just discovered this blog and I am delighted and moved by the quality of the writing and the depth of ideas here. If “Stuck” is anything like Ms. Rufus’ 2003 work, “Party of One,” then we have a real winner on our hands- thanks again for expanding the frame of reference!
Thanks, Idara. Being a bit of an introvert, I enjoyed Party of One as well.
Excellent review. I love this book. The present tense is intentional, because once I tackle something I’m stuck on, I find something else. The author does a great job of not lecturing, and not sounding like a motivational speaker (“I think I can! I think I can!) I also enjoy your site.
This book was great. I read it on a trip for work that had delayed flights….couldn’t put it down. The story of my life…..it made me think of the lost times I have had and what I am versus what some people think I am….there is hope. Follow your dreams!!!
Hi, Jane.
I kind of liked the fact that she didn’t offer any easy solutions. She just explored the problem and left it up to the reader to decide what they wish to do about it.