7 Not So Dirty Little Secrets About Confidence

Confidence. We all want more of it, but what is it? What does it look like? Where does it come from?

If you’ve been looking for it but haven’t found it, maybe you’ve been looking in all the wrong places. Confidence might not be what you expected.

There’s a difference between what people do to look confident and what they do when they really are. Knowing what to look for could help you on your quest.

Thus, allow me to share:

The 7 Not So Dirty Little Secrets About Confidence

1. Confidence is quiet.

When you think of confidence, you might imagine someone living out loud, the kind of person who makes the most noise and draws the most attention.

But real confidence is quiet. It has no need for attention. It attends to itself.

All that bragging and shouting is not a sign of confidence, but a sign of insecurity. It’s born of fear, the fear that should one be silent, they will be forgotten, discounted, and seen as something less than spectacular.

But as you grow in confidence, you begin to let go of that fear because you understand that you possess all that you need to persist, improve, and contribute. You’re not afraid of being heard, but neither do you fear being unheard. You speak when it’s time to speak and know that those who need to hear will hear when they’re ready.

2. Confidence is still.

You may imagine a confident person charging through their day, rapidly marching forward, kicking down doors, and whipping through a blur of activity.

But real confidence, I’ve come to believe, is more patient than that. It feels no need to run about, slamming against obstacles. Like a good running back, it’s willing to take a step back and look for openings.

The best athletes know this. They perfect their swings, their throws, their strides not by adding movement, but by eliminating any movement that’s unnecessary. Any action they take is purposeful, smooth, and concentrated.

As you gain confidence, you’ll do the same thing. You’ll have less need to make a commotion and the wisdom to pause as you look for your opening.

3. Confidence is humble.

Maybe you equate confidence with cockiness. A lot of chest pounding and bragging.

But confidence knows where it came from and what it took to arrive. It remembers its humble beginnings and is always aware there’s room for improvement.

Humility is a sing of confidence because the confident person is not afraid of being exposed. They know their strengths and their weaknesses and accept themselves as a whole.

The more confident you become, the less you will need to convince yourself and others of your assets, and the less you will need to cover up your deficits.

4. Confidence is generous.

Confidence, you may believe, is all about winning. Defeat the enemy. Gather the spoils.

But the need to win at someone else’s expense is rooted in the fear there’s not enough of something to go around. Not enough glory, fame, power, praise, love, success.

The confident person doesn’t shy from a challenge or competition, but they also know success is not a zero sum game. Sure in their own abilities, they can acknowledge those of their opponents as well. They can even appreciate and celebrate them.

When your confidence grows, your heart will too, and you’ll be less fearful of sharing the spotlight with those around you.

5. Confidence is internal.

When you think of confidence, outward signs may come to mind. The puffed up chest. The flexed muscle. The flash of gold.

But that’s substituting showing off for substance. Some people show you their muscles, their mansions, and their collection of many things to hide what they’re missing inside.

Confidence isn’t something you wear pinned to your chest. It’s something you carry in your heart and your gut and your mind. It stays with you regardless of the bulk of your biceps or the weight of your coin purse.

6. Confidence is transferrable.

Maybe you think confidence is something you can only feel in certain situations when you’re familiar with the process and skilled in the craft.

But confidence obtained in one area has a tendency to spill over into others.

By mastering one thing, you see your potential to master other things. You approach the unknown with the confidence you’ve gained by experiencing things that, once upon a time, were also strange and mysterious.

7. Confidence is built.

Do you think you can fake it to make it? You hear it a lot, and for awhile you can.

But to really gain confidence, you’ll need to do something tangible. You’ll have to show up and write, paint, stretch, plan, and execute.

Confidence isn’t drummed up; it’s built, not in a day, not in a week, but over time.

The good news is you don’t have to beat yourself up for what you lack. Turn your focus instead to the act of becoming, to the act of building.

Are You Ready to Start Building?

Here’s the good news. No matter how much confidence you think you have or don’t have, you can always build more.

In my next post, I’ll share my 3 Step Process for Building Confidence (complete with chart). Like my 2 Step Process for Making Meaning, it’s easy to implement. I’ll see you then.

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