It’s the morning of my forty third birthday and another year has passed. Christmas is over and the new year’s just around the bend. Carol’s gone back to work after a week of vacation. My son is sleeping in, enjoying the luxuries of the final days of his holiday break. Less than two hours ago, I kissed my daughter goodbye before she headed back to school. Soon and very soon, it will be business as usual, and I am faced with the task of determining what has taken place and what I intend to do with the days ahead.
It’s been quite a year, one that began with a little experiment that began with a little question: what would happen if I simply showed up each day and did a little something?
I called it the 365 day experiment and now it’s over. A lot has happened. I started drawing and I piddled around with the guitar and I wrote a lot of poems. I joined a writers’ group and I’ve made a few trips to St. Louis to share my work with fellow scribes. I created this blog. I wrote the rough draft of a book. I quit smoking. I made some new friends. I fell in love with my wife all over again. I fell in love with my life all over again.
So what now?
That question’s been on my mind for the past two weeks as I took a break from blogging and a lot of other things in order to simply enjoy some agenda free time with my family. I still don’t have an answer.
My friend, Valerie Young, suggested a couple months ago that I simply take this next year to go on a creation binge. She advised me to simply create to my heart’s content without having a specific goal in mind. I like the idea, but it’s easier said than done. I have a habit of getting in my own way, believing that I need to be accomplishing something of great magnitude.
For some time now, there’s been a game of tug-of-war going on inside me. On one end of the rope there’s the sense that I need to be producing something more orderly, more polished, more ready for market. On the other end is the strong desire to simply be a sponge, to learn as much as I can about the things that interest me and see what comes of it.
Oddly enough, the latter approach has produced the best results thus far. It seems that my best work comes about when I’m not really working at all. Poems and blog posts pop into my head when I’m not trying to write them. My best drawings are usually the ones made when I’m more absorbed in the subject than I am in the act of drawing. The most joyful and surprising experiences I’ve had with my guitar have been the ones in which I find myself playing with what I’ve learned rather than struggling to master anything.
In short, playful curiosity works for me, I’m happiest when I’m experimenting, and I’d like to spend the next year doing what works.
The trouble with all this is that a lot of people would tell me this is all wrong. They would tell me to be more disciplined, to set more goals, to make more plans, to get more focused. I have a hard time ignoring them. I’m not even sure that I should.
But I can’t help feeling that the experiment’s not quite over. There’s more I want to learn. I’m an incurable explorer. Maybe that’s just what I do. Maybe that’s my curse. Maybe that’s my calling.
I’m married to an incredible finisher. She makes lists and checks off the items one by one. Without her, I fear you might find me sitting in an alley, wearing pizza crumbs on my chest, and mumbling to myself.
And yet I think I bring something to the table too. I’m the one who points at things. “Look,” I say, “Listen! Smell! Taste! Feel!” She usually does and then she smiles.
Somehow, we work together. She helps me get things done. I help her find good things to do.
Maybe the role I play in my own marriage is the one I’m meant to play in the world. Maybe it’s my job to point and say, “Look! Listen! Smell! Taste! Feel!”
The thing I’m still piecing together is how to play that role as best I can. I think I know who I am and what I am. I just haven’t quite figured out how best to be those things, and that’s what I hope to learn more about in the upcoming year.
2010, for me, will be the year of learning. I hope to learn how to draw better and play guitar better. I hope to learn how to write more poems and write better poems and reach a wider audience. And I hope to learn how to be a better resource for those of you who read my blog. I hope to point to better things for you too look at and listen to and smell and taste and touch.
And the only way I know to do that is to keep playing and exploring and asking questions. I hope you’ll come along for the ride.
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