When you behave like a jackass and someone calls you on it, it can sting. When something stings, your first response may be to defend yourself, even if it’s the wrong thing to do.
Well, that’s precisely what happened to me a few days ago. I acted like a jackass, got stung, and then got defensive.
I left a thoughtless comment on the blog of artist and writer, Mari Kurisato, and she ripped me a well deserved new one.
In response, I grew defensive and even garnered the sympathy of some of you, but the truth, if you care anything about it, has a way of poking a finger at you, and it’s been poking me in the pride for a few days now.
Mari had written a piece about her negative encounters with Christians, not all but many. She also made a point to acknowledge that they’re not all alike.
But for her, the fact still remains that her experiences have been largely negative.
It was a rant. It was meant to be a rant, and so it was written in a strong and angry style, something she admits she’s rather good at.
I had a knee-jerk reaction to the style and overlooked the substance. This was a piece about her experiences. It wasn’t about my experiences or your experiences or anyone else’s, and I was wrong to leave the kind of comment I did.
I accused her of painting with too broad a brush and offered nothing more. Mari was quick to share her thoughts about my remark, and I believe her thoughts were accurate. They just weren’t fun to hear.
My comment was a self-righteous, judgmental, ill-conceived, passive-aggressive, snarky, hit-and-run job. My follow up wasn’t much better. I owe her an apology.
I’m offering the apology here for two reasons: 1) Because of my behavior, I’m not sure she would either read or post it if I left it on her blog, and 2) I think it’s good to post retractions on the front page when I really screw something up.
Mari, I’m sorry. You have no obligation to accept this apology, but I felt the need to offer it. It’s bad enough that I behaved like a jackass, but it would be even worse if I pretended I didn’t.
I would now like to dispense with this diversion into drama.
For the rest of you, I’d like to suggest you do the same and have a look instead at Mari’s incredible artwork. Here’s the link to her portfolio: http://marikurisato.com/Portfolio/
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: ). what you say is trueee.
Hey!
Oh you are in good company. I behave like a ‘jack ass’ some times and it’s horrible when it finally sinks in as to how unsupportive, judgemental and reactive I’ve been. Especially if I feel that there’s a chance I won’t be able to make up for the wrong doing! Hugs to ya both!
Either way though – if you’ll accept some reassuring it’s ok to be human and flawed from a virtual stranger – I’m sending it to you and Mari! Glad she stuck up for herself too though – that sounds appropriate and it’s helped you too!
It’s far from an easy thing forgiving ourself our f up’s. No siree. But I do hope I for one will get better at being kind to myself learning and growing even when I stumble and fall on my bum by being a loud mouthed reactive little ball some days!
Oooo so far so airy fairy! Take care – well done fessing up and clearing out the associated guilt I hope!
Leila
Twitter
@SunflowerLeila
Leila´s last blog ..Stumbling, falling, starting over.
This is why I love you, Ken.
We all behave like jack-asses sometimes and the way you handled this with such honesty, love, integrity and heart is exactly why you’re not a jack-ass.
I don’t even know what your comment was and what piece of writing it was a comment on. And I don’t care to try to find out or to decide who’s right and wrong. It’s just beautiful to witness someone prioritising connection and integrity over proving your point.
And I guess this is why your writing always expands my heart.
Big love,
Cath
CathD´s last blog ..Our Crazy, Wonderful World – Did You Know 4.0
Thank you for modeling reflection and connection. Conflict is not modeled well in this culture. And what you say is true. When we feel hurt or defensive we can lash out. The next thing that happens is that we try to enlist a group to stand behind us even though they were not present for the exchange. This took courage to write and share. I believe these type of transparent conversations can help model learning about ourselves and how we get back in the game with others. Thanks again!
LeeAnn
LeeAnn Gibbs´s last blog ..What I Know of Love
I disagree. Your remark was too brief but was certainly not intemperate. Her reply was vicious out of all proportion.
Even though, in the original post, she said more than once that it applied to ‘some,’ the tone and thrust of the piece were clearly intended to apply to ‘all.’
She, without justification, imputed to you both motive and substance that was not and could not have been found in your single sentence critique, nor in your followup.
She indeed did paint with too broad a brush, and then proceeded to spray vitriol at you and all that surrounds you.
[I've chosen to edit out a portion of this comment. I mean no disrespect to you Walter, but it was just a wee bit too personal for my tastes. My blog. My house. My rules. I'm learning what those are as I go along.]
I think, Ken, that you have been allowed yourself to be pushed into an undeserved guilt-trip. Your sin, if it is a sin, was to remark that excess is excessive.
\\’alt
Walter,
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on the matter.
My response is simply this.
The only actions I’m responsible for are my own. In hindsight, I was not very pleased with mine.
I don’t think I’m on a guilt trip or circling down what a friend of mine calls a “downward shame spiral”, but I felt an obligation to take responsibility for my actions.
I’ve done so and I’m ready to move on to better things.
And one more thing: Remember when I said that no one is ever what they appear to be at first glance?
Despite all the talk, including her own, about Mari spewing napalm, I’d encourage people to take a look at her tweets. She spends a lot of time passing on information to help people in need, including the victims of the recent Tsunami.
@MariKurisato
Just wanted to say thank you to those of you who have left kind words. There’s no way to do that without sounding like I was fishing for compliments, but a thank you is in order, nevertheless.
Thank you.
Well I was at Mari’s just recently, following your link and then into her blog, and, to be honest, I’m not sure what was going on . Unless some comments were deleted, I really don’t know what you had to apologyze about.
It is my observation, however, that for some Atheists the only possible exegesys of the Bible is the most literalist and less prophetic way. I have learned to live with it.
Miguel de Luis´s last blog .."Thanks to my 16th follower Pointless Thorns"
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