May 2010

It’s been a shitty month. I’m sorry. Did I write that out loud?

Originally, I had hoped that May, the month that marked the one year anniversary of this blog, would be a time of celebration. I even thought about calling it the Mild Month of May and making a mildly big deal of it.

But things didn’t turn out the way. I won’t bore you with a rehash of the details, but let’s just say things didn’t quite go the way I’d planned.

Oh, screw it. Let me bitch a little. My computer crashed and I worked a bunch of double shifts and I and everyone else in my house got sick and my mother had to have surgery and then I decided it would be a grand time to kick my smoking habit.

Sure. Things could be worse, but they still feel pretty shitty.

But the worst thing that happened is that I failed to trust you and tried to hide my demons. I didn’t want you to see the madness and sorrow and frustration that sometimes comes to pay a visit. After all, I thought, I’m supposed to be a source of inspiration.

But who am I kidding? This is all part of the journey. You know that and I know that and there’s no use denying it.

Here I am trying to write a book about the benefits of doing something daily while abandoning the practice whenever things get ugly because I don’t want you to see how truly ugly those things sometimes make me feel.

And this isn’t the first time. Every time you’ve ever seen me go into hiding it’s because I’ve been engaged in some kind of struggle, some battle I didn’t want you to know I was having to wage.

But sometimes being mildly creative means going mildly insane, and I might as well let you know that.

If this is truly going to be my work, then it has to be my work no matter how I’m feeling. If I’m ever going to have a breakthrough, then I’m going to have to work through the road blocks and the pot holes and the occasional strands of shitty days and shitty moods that are bound to get in my way.

And that, to me, means posting something even if it’s just an angry little sentence, poem, picture, video, or whatever, because working (writing, drawing, thinking, creating) every day is the best way I’ve ever found to keep moving forward. And I want to keep moving forward.

So, if you don’t object (and even if you do), I’m going to keep moving forward, even if it looks as if I’m losing my mind. I’d rather look like I’m losing it than actually do so.

Who knows? This could result in some of my best work – work that truly inspires, not in spite of its ugliness, but because of it – work that’s ugly and honest and transparent and thus ultimately beautiful because its human, just like you and me.

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One of the reasons I started blogging was to have something to hold onto. I always threw away the notebooks I started and deleted the folders of computer files I created. I still do.

I’m glad I started writing for keeps. I’m glad I have something to show and to share and return to.

Writing Trash Could Set You Free

But I still believe there’s a benefit to writing things you ultimately throw away, a practice you might call keeping an Unkept Journal.

When you know you’re writing for the sheer experience of writing, you’re free to write anything, about anything, and in any old way you choose.

You’re free to ask questions for which you might never find answers and express opinions for which you might never find supporting facts.

When you know you’re going to throw your writing away, there’s no reason to feel guilty for creating characters who have no story or crafting stories that have no characters.

You can begin something that has no end, end something that has no beginning, or simply dive into the middle of something that has neither a beginning nor an end.

And, knowing that you’ll never have to look at it again, you don’t have to worry about whether it’s good or bad. All you have to do is write it.

There Amidst the Rubbish

Of course, in the midst of all this disposable writing, you will eventually find:

• answers to some of your questions
• facts to support (or even change) some of your opinions
• stories to go with some of your characters
• characters to go with some of your stories
• endings for your beginnings
• beginnings for your endings
• both beginnings and endings for your middles
• and things that you’ll want to look at again.

When this happens, you’re free to clip out the pieces you like, hang onto them, return to them, and eventually make something out of them. It’s always your call. You’re always in control.

Putting Out the Welcome Mat

And, last but not least, when you’re free to write things without concern for keeping them, you’ll find that some things have a way of appearing and reappearing simply because they’re free to do so.

It’s as if they know they don’t have to be anything or do anything. They’re just paying a visit. You’re not got going to put them to work or ask them to earn their keep.

But the more they come to visit, the more you may find yourself thinking about them and wanting to know more about them. In this case, you can always extend an invitation for a longer visit.

You can even prepare a room for them if you’d like them to stay for a while. Once again, it’s your call. You’re in control.

Clear and Free

My own Unkept Journal is a yellow legal pad. I write in it, and, when I’m done, I tear out the pages I’ve filled and throw them in the recycling bin.

Every time I come to it, I have a fresh, clean page to look at. There’s nothing from the past calling for my attention. No demands. No requests. No jobs to be done but the job of writing once more about whatever I choose and in anyway I choose. You can choose to do the same.

Here’s Your “Wasted” Opportunity

If the idea of keeping a journal is keeping you from writing in one, then grab a waste basket. It won’t be a waste of your time.

Are you getting all the Quiet Inspiration you need? Subscribe to Quiet Inspiration, the Mildly Creative Newsletter. You can also subscribe to these blog posts via RSS feed or by Email.

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