It’s been a shitty month. I’m sorry. Did I write that out loud?
Originally, I had hoped that May, the month that marked the one year anniversary of this blog, would be a time of celebration. I even thought about calling it the Mild Month of May and making a mildly big deal of it.
But things didn’t turn out the way. I won’t bore you with a rehash of the details, but let’s just say things didn’t quite go the way I’d planned.
Oh, screw it. Let me bitch a little. My computer crashed and I worked a bunch of double shifts and I and everyone else in my house got sick and my mother had to have surgery and then I decided it would be a grand time to kick my smoking habit.
Sure. Things could be worse, but they still feel pretty shitty.
But the worst thing that happened is that I failed to trust you and tried to hide my demons. I didn’t want you to see the madness and sorrow and frustration that sometimes comes to pay a visit. After all, I thought, I’m supposed to be a source of inspiration.
But who am I kidding? This is all part of the journey. You know that and I know that and there’s no use denying it.
Here I am trying to write a book about the benefits of doing something daily while abandoning the practice whenever things get ugly because I don’t want you to see how truly ugly those things sometimes make me feel.
And this isn’t the first time. Every time you’ve ever seen me go into hiding it’s because I’ve been engaged in some kind of struggle, some battle I didn’t want you to know I was having to wage.
But sometimes being mildly creative means going mildly insane, and I might as well let you know that.
If this is truly going to be my work, then it has to be my work no matter how I’m feeling. If I’m ever going to have a breakthrough, then I’m going to have to work through the road blocks and the pot holes and the occasional strands of shitty days and shitty moods that are bound to get in my way.
And that, to me, means posting something even if it’s just an angry little sentence, poem, picture, video, or whatever, because working (writing, drawing, thinking, creating) every day is the best way I’ve ever found to keep moving forward. And I want to keep moving forward.
So, if you don’t object (and even if you do), I’m going to keep moving forward, even if it looks as if I’m losing my mind. I’d rather look like I’m losing it than actually do so.
Who knows? This could result in some of my best work – work that truly inspires, not in spite of its ugliness, but because of it – work that’s ugly and honest and transparent and thus ultimately beautiful because its human, just like you and me.
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Ken-
Thanks for showing up yet again. Good, bad or ugly, I always appreciate seeing you put yourself out there.
I love this phrase: “I’d rather look like I’m losing it than actually do so.” I have been avoiding my blog as of late because life has not seemed all that “peaceful” lately. Been feeling “stuck,” but haven’t yet mustered the mojo to create new possibilities (my 2009 was very much like the month you are experiencing right now). The best I can do and offer to anyone similarly situated is to stay in the moment as much as you can, stop cracking the whip at your own back, breathe and try to take a step forward; even if it is the weakest, least confident one you have ever taken- it’s something.
.-= Idara´s last blog ..Don’t Believe the Hype =-.
Thanks, Idara. If it looks like I’m crazy, it’s probably because I am. :O)
Welcome to LIFE! We’ve all been in similar situations; I could give lesson on being an introvert when things get ‘ugly.’ Two years ago I thought I was going to lose it all, prayed for recovery and promised to quit smoking – which I did. But the most important thing I learned was that people matter and I wanted to be a better person by enjoying those moments when my daughter wants a hug, turning away from the gadgets for conversation, cooking dinner together, walking the dog and more. You matter to more people than you may realize. Plus we’re all a little crazy, right?
PS: I do hope that you and your family are feeling much better now and can get out an enjoy the splendors of spring and summer. Nothing like sunshine and nature to sooth the soul. An afternoon at the beach is one of my favorite prescriptions.
I hear ya, brother. It isn’t always pretty, but it’s there. Good luck with the smoking.
Kudos to you ken for having the courage to feel what you feel and and let the world know you feel it.
I too get tired of the relentless pressure to spew happyhappyspiritualfuntalkpositivity we are being brainwashed to believe is normal.
I much prefer that someone communicate honestly with me than to sugar coat it with fakery and a forced smile.
We can always tell when it’s not real.
So let it out…let us know how your are feeling we’ll promise to do the same …and thanks for sharing.
And remember….you aren’t quitting smoking….you just are choosing not to have one right now…
Cheers,
F
It’s a crazy life both in and out … near and far…in my soul and out.
I like it that you keep me company in my own journey. peace.
I think being mildly crazy comes with being mildly creative. After all, if you are creative, you come up with things that others don’t think of, and those ideas will just seem crazy to many. I think complete “normal” people are boring anyway.
.-= Kelvin Kao´s last blog ..Barked at a Dog Today =-.
Amazing to me how many of us hide out when we should be reaching out…unless, of course, we’re enjoying the shitty drama. I think it’s also easy to forget that sometimes sharing our challenges–and not being stopped by them– is the most inspiring gift we have to give.
What?! You can still post to your blog even when you are in A Bad Mood and people will still like you and want to read it!? Wait, I still like *you* and still want to read your blog when *you* are in A Bad Mood. No, no, that couldn’t possibly apply to me, could it?
I went into blog hibernation months ago because I couldn’t hit Publish when Angry Crabby Grouchy Out-of-sorts Freaking-out Darcy was being so loud and drowning out all other Darcy voices back in, um, February? Following the adage if I can’t say something nice, I won’t say anything at all. I like your way better. It means you get to keep writing and more importantly, we get to keep reading. Feel the gratitude vibes coming at you.
.-= Darcy´s last blog ..Finding the solution in the impediment =-.
I feel you, Ken. This week started out exciting, with new plans to expand my creative empire. Then I got sick somewhere in the middle and didn’t do everything I planned to do. But I did a lot of it, miserable feelings and all, and I feel better, somewhat. I’m so used to being a high achiever (or trying to be) that I gotta learn to be happy with what I got. I still want my energetic mood back, but I go on.
You hang on like you always did and I like to remind you, your work is beautiful
“ugly and honest and transparent and thus ultimately beautiful”
don’t you see it’s beautiful words can only come from beautifully senstive mind
.-= Sandy´s last blog ..Love in youth =-.
keeping it real–refreshing!
Hey Ken;
My blog is dead in the water (sigh) but the best responses I ever got were to a posting about how depressed I was at the time and how I was trying to cope. It was real and it resonated with people.
I eventually pulled the posting from the blog because I didn’t want any potential writing clients to find it and then not hire me.
Honesty is good. And rare.
.-= Leanne Beattie´s last blog ..The Happiness Project =-.