July 2010

I have inner wisdom and so do you. This, I’m sad to say, is a relatively new insight for me.

On the Outside Never Looking In

In the past, when I felt out of sorts, I looked outside myself for answers. I never looked within. It was such a mess in there. All that chaos and confusion, a swirling sea of emotions, waves of wild ideas, and the debris of broken wishes.

I didn’t realize there was something underneath. Something quiet. Something calm. Something I could reach for and grab onto and steady myself with.

Things Get Quiet

When I began this blog, I did so, in part, because I’d discovered for myself the benefits of calming down in order to create something. I thought others might benefit as well.

The premise is pretty simple. It’s easier to be creative when you’re not freaking yourself out. Two-hundred-and-seventy posts can attest to that fact.

Before I calmed down, I wrote very little. I thought about it, talked about it, and sometimes cried about it, but I seldom ever did anything about it.

Lucky for me, I began to change. I started slowing down. I started breathing in and breathing out. I started calming down, and sitting down, and writing.

Derailing and Getting Back on Track

But every now and then, I’d jump back up. I’d pace, I’d stew, I’d tug at my hair. I’d go through spells of doing things the old way, which meant not doing them at all.

Then I’d remember, and I’d calm back down again. I’ve done this many times and I think I’m getting better at it.

Now here’s where the wisdom thing comes in.

An Unexpected Visitor

You see, initially I was only calming down in order to write and create, but it’s gradually became much more than that. I’d never been that quiet before. I’d simply never allowed it.

I think that’s why I kept jumping up from time to time. In the midst of all that quiet, I was starting to hear myself and I wasn’t used to listening. I guess it made me nervous.

But I kept coming back because I wanted to write, and each time I came back I got a little quieter, stayed a little longer, heard a little more. Eventually, I started listening.

And there it was: my wisdom. In fact, it’s here right now and I know it will be here tomorrow when I wake up. It’s been here all along, just waiting, wondering if I’d ever notice. It will be here until I breathe my last breath. It will never abandon me, and, now that I know that, I must remember to never abandon it.

Someone’s Waiting for You to Listen

You have wisdom, too. I know this because I know I’m simply human. I haven’t been granted a special power that no one else has access to. I haven’t received a revelation. I’ve been granted no divine authority.

I’m just a guy who got quiet because he wanted to write and somewhere in the midst of the silence discovered he had something more than words: a friend, a guide, a companion – his wisdom.

Please do yourself a favor. At some point in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, pause for one curious moment and ask yourself, “What’s waiting for me in the silence?” Then go there and find out.

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Moving Fearward

by Ken on July 8, 2010

Fear is. The sooner we learn that, the better.

Sometimes it looms and sometimes it lurks, but it’s always around, and that’s really not such a bad thing.

Fear, after all, keeps us from blindly driving off the cliff, running into the fire, and diving headfirst into the pool of crocodiles. It’s there for a reason.

The only trouble with fear is that it’s not always reasonable. It can’t distinguish a good risk from a bad one. Its only cry is danger. It knows nothing of rewards.

That’s why it sometimes tries to protect us from the things we most desire. It stands guard at the door to our dreams, telling us how foolish we would be to enter.

“You’re not ready for this,” it warns us, “You’re in over your head.”

And so it keeps us from trying. “You’re just going to get hurt.” it tells us.

It keeps us from participating. “You won’t be welcome there. They’ll eat you alive.”

It keeps us from expanding. “Stick to what you know. Stay within your niche. Don’t stray out. It’s so much safer here.”

If we listen, do what fear tells us to do, and avoid what it tells us not to, then, for a time, we do feel safe. We avoid danger.

But we also avoid challenge and we miss out on growth and we get stuck in the mire of what could have been and feel as if we’re half the person we want to be.

Fear once told me to give up on writing. “It’s a pipe dream,” it told me, “You’ll write and you’ll write and no one will care. No one will read it, and you’ll never earn a dime.”

But my fear didn’t know what desire suspected, namely that writing could be a way to help me clarify my interests, discover what I felt, find out what I thought, and make a little sense of the world.

Desire was right, and fear, as it turns out, has only been one for three thus far. There are people who do care and people who do read what I write and I even have reason to believe that one day I will earn that dime.

To find all that out, I had to move fearward.

Ignoring it didn’t work. It only grew louder.

Running away didn’t work. It chased after me.

I had to acknowledge it, approach it, feel it, and move past it.

And approaching it is not the same as charging it. It did me no good to pull back my shoulders, puff out my chest, and draw my sword. Fear can be a tenacious fighter.

Instead, I had to act like an adult, something I haven’t always been good at, something I’m still learning to do even at the age of 43.

I had to stay calm but remain resolute. “Sorry, fear,” I had to say, “I appreciate your concern, but this is something I’m going to do.” And then I had to do it.

When you behave like that, fear has no option but to get out of your way and let you through the door.

There is, however, one thing you must know. Fear is always one door down. “I let you slip through that one,” it seems to be fond of saying, “but I’ll be damned if you’re getting through this one.”

Your job and my job is to keep moving towards it, forward, fearword, and, when it’s prudent, to go ahead and let it be damned.

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It’s late, and I just had a long talk with my daughter, but not the kind of long talk I used to have with her, the kind in which I tried to impart some chunk of wisdom or correct some errant deed.

This was a two-way talk, a conversation, an enjoyable, free exchange between two adults and it didn’t seem to matter that I was the parent and she was the child, because the truth is she’s not a child anymore. I’m still her father, she’s still my daughter, but so much else has changed.

She’s not the girl I raised and I’m not the man who raised her, and that, I’ve learned, is a good thing. If we were still those things, our relationship would be a frozen one. But it’s not that. Instead, it’s flowing, and I’m learning to go with the current.

Some time ago, I did what all healthy parents must eventually do. I let go. I released my grip on her hand in my heart, but kept my arms wide open.

It was scary, but it’s been rewarding. One day I let go of a child, and another day an adult came back to visit me.

Tonight, we talked openly about beliefs and wishes and questions we have, things I don’t always feel free to discuss with some people. I’m glad I can do so with her and doubly glad she feels free to do so with me.

Looking back, I think I did a lot of things wrong. But tonight, I get the sense I did a few things right, and I hope to do more in the future.

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