It’s late, and I just had a long talk with my daughter, but not the kind of long talk I used to have with her, the kind in which I tried to impart some chunk of wisdom or correct some errant deed.
This was a two-way talk, a conversation, an enjoyable, free exchange between two adults and it didn’t seem to matter that I was the parent and she was the child, because the truth is she’s not a child anymore. I’m still her father, she’s still my daughter, but so much else has changed.
She’s not the girl I raised and I’m not the man who raised her, and that, I’ve learned, is a good thing. If we were still those things, our relationship would be a frozen one. But it’s not that. Instead, it’s flowing, and I’m learning to go with the current.
Some time ago, I did what all healthy parents must eventually do. I let go. I released my grip on her hand in my heart, but kept my arms wide open.
It was scary, but it’s been rewarding. One day I let go of a child, and another day an adult came back to visit me.
Tonight, we talked openly about beliefs and wishes and questions we have, things I don’t always feel free to discuss with some people. I’m glad I can do so with her and doubly glad she feels free to do so with me.
Looking back, I think I did a lot of things wrong. But tonight, I get the sense I did a few things right, and I hope to do more in the future.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Sounds awfully nice. I hope you have many more of those types of conversations with her!
Ken, I love this article. I just had a similar realization after spending last weekend with my adult son. It’s hard to let go of the child but once you do, a cherished new adult friend comes into your life. .
I sobbed when I returned from a visit with my nephew in Florida and realized the “boy” I knew was gone for ever. Facial hair on a child? No, can’t be… and yet it was. He went through his no hugging stage and then was the same wonderful man he was a boy.
Can’t wait for the parenting book to come out Ken!
Valerie
Oh goodness, if you knew the myriad of ways I screwed up the “parent thing”, you’d never wait for such a book.
I had that same epiphany a while back.
I finally accepted that my kids’ journey in life was theirs not mine and all I had was a supporting role. It has made life easier for me.
I agree, Susie. It makes life easier and the relationship more enjoyable.
Hi Ken, I love, love, love this post. Thank you.
How did you have the courage to let go? Obviously, by the sounds of this post, you didn’t know it would be so rewarding to do so, so what made you realize you had to let go at some point?
Maybe your daughter had inspired trust in you growing up and you felt she had earned it? Or did you simply feel like there was no other way anyway?
I’m just curious. As a daughter, i put my parents through the ringer, i rebelled in every way you can think of. Looking back, 20 years later, i wonder if them trusting me as an adult, being supportive while remaining on the side lines, might have made a difference.
But putting myself in their shoes, how could they? How could they have trusted that this would not have resulted in a train wreck?
Curiously,
CosmoChick
I really don’t know for sure, Cosmo. I think it was a combination of things. 1) My parents had not always been able to let go and I felt like it hobbled me a bit, so I try to be conscious of whether or not I’m doing the same. 2) My daughter is a very responsible person. 3) What other choice do I really have?
Beautiful post, Ken! I am glad that you and your daughter are close even now that she’s grown. I always felt kind of hobbled, too, by my parent’s holding on too tightly, even though I know they had my best interests at heart. It is wonderful that you have been able to give her the space she needs to grow, even if a larger part of you may have wanted to hold on to her and proctect her. Parenthood is not for the feint of heart, I hear.
What a nice relationship you are having with your daughter. I wish my parents and I could be that way. How I wish I could be their friend and they could be mine, instead of them being just my parents. Things will be so much happier that way, knowing I have a friend in them, and there will not be walls between us.
Parents gotta understand, we don’t want to be treated as children anymore. Letting go of us is a way of giving us an opportunity to walk through the journey of life, as well as a way of respecting us.
You did a really great thing with your daughter. Many teenagers out here would love to have that piece of you in their parents. =)
p/s: Have been reading your blog for a while now, you are a true inspiration. Thanks!